Thursday, May 15, 2008
When old adages go wrong...
Sure, two heads are better than one, if you’re collaborating on a project with another person. But what if you grew another head? I’m not sure that it rings true in that case…
An apple a day will certainly NOT keep the doctor away if all you eat each day is one apple.
A watched pot never boils slower than an unwatched pot. Time can be relative in some instances, but this is not one of them…
You know, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because the neighbor just spray-painted his yard bright green for St. Patrick’s Day…
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will ALWAYS hurt you if they’re made out of hard plastic and hurled at you…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Styx and (the) Stones will ALWAYS make me rock out in my living room.
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Hmm. The same could be said for the Rolling Stones, I suppose – which is good, they’d look weird with a bunch of moss all over them…
There’s no such thing as a free lunch unless someone else pays for it.
It's a fact of life that you can’t have your cake and eat it too if there’s no more cake left.
What you know can’t hurt you …unless you what you don’t know is that an anvil is about to fall on your head.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise unless he works the night shift.
Sure, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. But if you play poorly, you will likely lose.
An apple a day will certainly NOT keep the doctor away if all you eat each day is one apple.
A watched pot never boils slower than an unwatched pot. Time can be relative in some instances, but this is not one of them…
You know, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because the neighbor just spray-painted his yard bright green for St. Patrick’s Day…
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will ALWAYS hurt you if they’re made out of hard plastic and hurled at you…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Styx and (the) Stones will ALWAYS make me rock out in my living room.
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Hmm. The same could be said for the Rolling Stones, I suppose – which is good, they’d look weird with a bunch of moss all over them…
There’s no such thing as a free lunch unless someone else pays for it.
It's a fact of life that you can’t have your cake and eat it too if there’s no more cake left.
What you know can’t hurt you …unless you what you don’t know is that an anvil is about to fall on your head.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise unless he works the night shift.
Sure, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. But if you play poorly, you will likely lose.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Have you noticed how Boston just exploded in color over the past week and a half? One day: grey, drab, dull, end-of-winter-y. The next: greens and blues and reds and yellows and purples and pinks and oranges everywhere! Birds chirping, sun smiling warmly, leaves fully stretching out from their buds... the world is alive with movement once again!
It's funny. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. Generally speaking, while I love the colors of spring and the longer days and the sunshine (and even the occasional rain shower), I also grieve the loss of the winter weather, the cold days, the breath I can see in front of me, the numb feeling on my cheeks when I'm outside for a walk, the cozy feeling of cuddling up under blankets at home. Usually, this time of year, I say a sad goodbye to my winter as I gear up for another hot and sweaty summer - which I normally don't look forward to.
But this year, it's different. Maybe my perspective is changing as I gain years in life... or maybe New England has changed my view of the seasons... or maybe this year is just different...
This year, I'm happily saying goodbye to winter. We had a good run, it was fun while it lasted, but hey, it's time to move on and go our separate ways for awhile. [Until next year, so long and take care of yourself, Winter.]
Instead of dreading the idea of sweaty summer days, I've been looking around me a lot over the past weeks as Boston has exploded into an amazing spring. And it seems like the city, our whole corner of the world, has been hiding from something. Afraid to show it's face. Caught up inside itself - scared to show it's true self. Throwing on the mask of winter, self-conscious, and anti-social. Just passing the days by, perhaps even wishing it weren't so, but not able to get itself out of its reverie of despair.
And then, suddenly, one day, it woke up - as if out of a dream - and realized its real worth, its good qualities. Passed a mirror for the first time in months and saw a beautiful reflection staring back at it. And then, BOOM! A broad smile hit its face, it unfolded itself from its self-made cocoon, and jumped up to go out and play. Meet up with old friends, make new ones, look up at the sky and twirl around in the warmth of the sun and the cool tickle of grass beneath its feet. With a twinkle in its eye, it takes a good look at itself, and throws away that mask, all of those debilitatingly self-conscious thoughts, and strolls boldly and confidently down the street - smiling for no other reason than just simply to smile.
I guess it strikes me as odd that this is the first time this feeling has really struck me at the birth of spring. But I guess in the past I've always been so caught up in saying goodbye to my beloved winter, that I've forgotten to notice the wonder of spring. (It could also be that I'm still getting used to a real spring - since in Minnesota, you miss spring if you blink... here in New England, we get a full-blown spring!)
I got off the T really early in my commute home today from work... and walked about a mile and a half to make it home... smiling at the hustle and bustle of people enjoying the beautiful weather outside. I'm a big fan. I like this feeling of spring. And, [sorry Winter], I think spring might becoming my favorite season...
I just love this joyous birth of life at the end of a long drab winter!
[*gasp* - I cannot believe I just said that about my old beloved winter!!!]
It's funny. This time of year has always been bittersweet for me. Generally speaking, while I love the colors of spring and the longer days and the sunshine (and even the occasional rain shower), I also grieve the loss of the winter weather, the cold days, the breath I can see in front of me, the numb feeling on my cheeks when I'm outside for a walk, the cozy feeling of cuddling up under blankets at home. Usually, this time of year, I say a sad goodbye to my winter as I gear up for another hot and sweaty summer - which I normally don't look forward to.
But this year, it's different. Maybe my perspective is changing as I gain years in life... or maybe New England has changed my view of the seasons... or maybe this year is just different...
This year, I'm happily saying goodbye to winter. We had a good run, it was fun while it lasted, but hey, it's time to move on and go our separate ways for awhile. [Until next year, so long and take care of yourself, Winter.]
Instead of dreading the idea of sweaty summer days, I've been looking around me a lot over the past weeks as Boston has exploded into an amazing spring. And it seems like the city, our whole corner of the world, has been hiding from something. Afraid to show it's face. Caught up inside itself - scared to show it's true self. Throwing on the mask of winter, self-conscious, and anti-social. Just passing the days by, perhaps even wishing it weren't so, but not able to get itself out of its reverie of despair.
And then, suddenly, one day, it woke up - as if out of a dream - and realized its real worth, its good qualities. Passed a mirror for the first time in months and saw a beautiful reflection staring back at it. And then, BOOM! A broad smile hit its face, it unfolded itself from its self-made cocoon, and jumped up to go out and play. Meet up with old friends, make new ones, look up at the sky and twirl around in the warmth of the sun and the cool tickle of grass beneath its feet. With a twinkle in its eye, it takes a good look at itself, and throws away that mask, all of those debilitatingly self-conscious thoughts, and strolls boldly and confidently down the street - smiling for no other reason than just simply to smile.
I guess it strikes me as odd that this is the first time this feeling has really struck me at the birth of spring. But I guess in the past I've always been so caught up in saying goodbye to my beloved winter, that I've forgotten to notice the wonder of spring. (It could also be that I'm still getting used to a real spring - since in Minnesota, you miss spring if you blink... here in New England, we get a full-blown spring!)
I got off the T really early in my commute home today from work... and walked about a mile and a half to make it home... smiling at the hustle and bustle of people enjoying the beautiful weather outside. I'm a big fan. I like this feeling of spring. And, [sorry Winter], I think spring might becoming my favorite season...
I just love this joyous birth of life at the end of a long drab winter!
[*gasp* - I cannot believe I just said that about my old beloved winter!!!]
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Upside-...up?
Ever wonder what the world would be like if it turned upside-down for the day? [So, maybe you don't, but after reading this, perhaps you will...?]
'Course, you'd still be "right-side-up" in relation to the way things used to be - to heighten the effects of the world turning upside-down so you can better appreciate the change.
What would things look like?
We'll say, for the sake of simplicity, that gravity stays relative to whatever position you or anything else is in. So, your gravity stays "down" to you, while everything else has it's gravity "down" to it (which would be "up" to you). Then, I suppose the question would be what would happen to your gravity if you touched something in the "upside-down" world? Or, likewise, what would happen to its gravity? Would it be a matter of which thing had more mass? For example, if you touched a lamp or something with less mass than you, would it yield to your gravity? And, similarly, if you touched a sofa or something with more mass than you, would you yield to its gravity? That seems plausible... though it'd be awfully weird. And then, following this vein, if you touched something of equal mass, would your collective gravities cancel each other out, making you both temporarily weightless? And you'd both just sort of float there - sandwiched between your equal forces of gravity pressing down on each other? Hmm, really odd... and totally sweet!
But, perhaps that's not what would happen at all. Perhaps, since your 'world' is significantly smaller than the rest of the world (that has been turned upside-down), if you touched anything in the upside-down world, you'd automatically change to its relative gravity direction? That'd be really weird, too - and almost eliminate the whole point of this whole idea. Let's say that this is not what happens, just because it doesn't suit my needs for this imagined world. :) [I love being able to make the rules...hehehe.]
Maybe nothing happens to your gravity or the gravity of the object/person/whatever you touch. Maybe you both keep your relative gravity. -Yeah, actually, I really like that. Okay, I'm now officially defining this as the rules for gravity in this upside-down world (minus you, who's still right-side-up).
But that's all the practical stuff. I guess I'm more interested in what everything would look like from the upside-down perspective. You know how if you look at someone's face upside-down for an extended period of time, your vision realigns itself to make that person's chin seem to be the top of his/her face? And it looks oddly both correct and really off? Yeah, imagine that happening to the whole world!!!
Pictures would realign themselves. [What would the Mona Lisa look like upside-down?]
Your favorite landscape views would have grass above and sky below. Skyscrapers would point "down" in relation to you. You'd walk on the ceiling of buildings - have to dodge lights instead of furniture as you walk. There's a whole score of crazy things that would change perspective in all sorts of cool ways! The possibilities! [Ooh, brain overload. Pause for readjustment...]
It's also kinda fun to imagine what the rest of the world would be thinking when they saw you walking upside-down relative to them. I mean, as far as they're all concerned, they never changed orientation. YOU did. So you'd be like the ultimate party-trick to them. Or a really fantastic magician. Or some crazy anomaly. -Let's be serious...all of those things would be pretty freakin' cool, right? :)
[So, a little odd for a Saturday morning? Definitely. But what else are you gonna do on Saturday at 9:00 am when you've woken up and want to sleep more but can't make yourself fall back to sleep? I'd like to see you come up with something better.]
'Course, you'd still be "right-side-up" in relation to the way things used to be - to heighten the effects of the world turning upside-down so you can better appreciate the change.
What would things look like?
We'll say, for the sake of simplicity, that gravity stays relative to whatever position you or anything else is in. So, your gravity stays "down" to you, while everything else has it's gravity "down" to it (which would be "up" to you). Then, I suppose the question would be what would happen to your gravity if you touched something in the "upside-down" world? Or, likewise, what would happen to its gravity? Would it be a matter of which thing had more mass? For example, if you touched a lamp or something with less mass than you, would it yield to your gravity? And, similarly, if you touched a sofa or something with more mass than you, would you yield to its gravity? That seems plausible... though it'd be awfully weird. And then, following this vein, if you touched something of equal mass, would your collective gravities cancel each other out, making you both temporarily weightless? And you'd both just sort of float there - sandwiched between your equal forces of gravity pressing down on each other? Hmm, really odd... and totally sweet!
But, perhaps that's not what would happen at all. Perhaps, since your 'world' is significantly smaller than the rest of the world (that has been turned upside-down), if you touched anything in the upside-down world, you'd automatically change to its relative gravity direction? That'd be really weird, too - and almost eliminate the whole point of this whole idea. Let's say that this is not what happens, just because it doesn't suit my needs for this imagined world. :) [I love being able to make the rules...hehehe.]
Maybe nothing happens to your gravity or the gravity of the object/person/whatever you touch. Maybe you both keep your relative gravity. -Yeah, actually, I really like that. Okay, I'm now officially defining this as the rules for gravity in this upside-down world (minus you, who's still right-side-up).
But that's all the practical stuff. I guess I'm more interested in what everything would look like from the upside-down perspective. You know how if you look at someone's face upside-down for an extended period of time, your vision realigns itself to make that person's chin seem to be the top of his/her face? And it looks oddly both correct and really off? Yeah, imagine that happening to the whole world!!!
Pictures would realign themselves. [What would the Mona Lisa look like upside-down?]
Your favorite landscape views would have grass above and sky below. Skyscrapers would point "down" in relation to you. You'd walk on the ceiling of buildings - have to dodge lights instead of furniture as you walk. There's a whole score of crazy things that would change perspective in all sorts of cool ways! The possibilities! [Ooh, brain overload. Pause for readjustment...]
It's also kinda fun to imagine what the rest of the world would be thinking when they saw you walking upside-down relative to them. I mean, as far as they're all concerned, they never changed orientation. YOU did. So you'd be like the ultimate party-trick to them. Or a really fantastic magician. Or some crazy anomaly. -Let's be serious...all of those things would be pretty freakin' cool, right? :)
[So, a little odd for a Saturday morning? Definitely. But what else are you gonna do on Saturday at 9:00 am when you've woken up and want to sleep more but can't make yourself fall back to sleep? I'd like to see you come up with something better.]
Friday, March 07, 2008
Twitter-pated
The smell of spring is once again floating in the air. And with it comes more sunshine and warm days, rain replaces snow and ice, and the world begins to wake up for another year.
It's a fun time of year. Buds begin to peek out of trees and flower beds, the sun actually starts to warm your face when it shines, and birds chirp once more. You know, it's funny. Every year, when spring approaches, I hear birds chirping for the first time since winter began and realize that I haven't heard them all winter. Every spring, it's a pleasant surprise to once again hear the chirping birds outside of my window. And it's not a 'oh, good, they're back' sort of feeling. For me, it's more a 'oh yeah, I forgot birds exist and chirp and twitter around' sort of feeling.
For as much as I like winter, I really have come to appreciate the change of seasons from winter to spring. It's refreshing, like a huge breath of fresh air. I walk outside and just have to smile - if only because the world is suddenly smiling back at me. This is the time of year when I remember that winter can be a bit of a strain, especially in the late months of winter. And I remember that Boston does seasons incredibly well.
It's also the season for shaking up romance. Relationships end, begin, move to next steps. Remember the second half of Bambi (after Bambi's mother dies and he goes off to spend the rest of his winter with his dad), when the Owl describes "twitter-pated" to Bambi and his pals? Yeah, he's totally right. And it doesn't just happen to forest animals. Humans are no different. Giddy and giggly females oohing and aahing over some guy, young males on the watch for new pretty faces. Sure, life isn't completely ridiculous like this every minute of every day, but you know you see it here and there as you walk down the street, or catch a movie, or go to the grocery store. It's the 'twitter-pated' season. And it affects all of us in some way or another. And as much as people may scoff at this seasonal ritual of ridiculous behavior, it's actually rather fun.
It's funny that it's this time of year. Well, maybe not funny "haha" - but just kinda strange that you can almost set your clock by the 'twitter-pated' season.
Oh, the equinox is almost here, time for 'twitter-pation'!
You hear people say that there must be "something in the air." And they're not all that far off from the truth, however figuratively they were speaking. 'Twitter-pation' must come from that feeling of being alive once again. The end of the 'hibernation' season of winter... it's now time to stretch our wings and see the world with new eyes... the world's waking up and feeling beautiful again - and so are we!
It's a fun time of year. Buds begin to peek out of trees and flower beds, the sun actually starts to warm your face when it shines, and birds chirp once more. You know, it's funny. Every year, when spring approaches, I hear birds chirping for the first time since winter began and realize that I haven't heard them all winter. Every spring, it's a pleasant surprise to once again hear the chirping birds outside of my window. And it's not a 'oh, good, they're back' sort of feeling. For me, it's more a 'oh yeah, I forgot birds exist and chirp and twitter around' sort of feeling.
For as much as I like winter, I really have come to appreciate the change of seasons from winter to spring. It's refreshing, like a huge breath of fresh air. I walk outside and just have to smile - if only because the world is suddenly smiling back at me. This is the time of year when I remember that winter can be a bit of a strain, especially in the late months of winter. And I remember that Boston does seasons incredibly well.
It's also the season for shaking up romance. Relationships end, begin, move to next steps. Remember the second half of Bambi (after Bambi's mother dies and he goes off to spend the rest of his winter with his dad), when the Owl describes "twitter-pated" to Bambi and his pals? Yeah, he's totally right. And it doesn't just happen to forest animals. Humans are no different. Giddy and giggly females oohing and aahing over some guy, young males on the watch for new pretty faces. Sure, life isn't completely ridiculous like this every minute of every day, but you know you see it here and there as you walk down the street, or catch a movie, or go to the grocery store. It's the 'twitter-pated' season. And it affects all of us in some way or another. And as much as people may scoff at this seasonal ritual of ridiculous behavior, it's actually rather fun.
It's funny that it's this time of year. Well, maybe not funny "haha" - but just kinda strange that you can almost set your clock by the 'twitter-pated' season.
Oh, the equinox is almost here, time for 'twitter-pation'!
You hear people say that there must be "something in the air." And they're not all that far off from the truth, however figuratively they were speaking. 'Twitter-pation' must come from that feeling of being alive once again. The end of the 'hibernation' season of winter... it's now time to stretch our wings and see the world with new eyes... the world's waking up and feeling beautiful again - and so are we!
Saturday, September 01, 2007
A sudden yearning for the suburbs??? What IS this?
My new favorite place in the Greater Boston area: Watertown Square, and few blocks on each street shooting off from the Square.
Why? You may ask. You may even go on to say, "You live in Boston, for Pete's sake! Why oh why is Watertown suddenly so cool?"
And, it's a valid question. Watertown is a suburb, feels like a suburb, looks like a suburb, and through MBTA travel, you can only get to it by bus (if you're not from around here, this doesn't make as much sense to you, but anyone from Boston will tell you that that is a sure sign of a suburb).
Let me list a few things right off the bat:
1. Watertown is where I go every two weeks to get a massage from a good friend and fellow dancer. And let me tell you - she's amazing! She really knows her stuff and she's really good and giving advice and relating the massage therapy to my life (or her other clients' lives, as it were).
2. I just found the Watertown Library. Cutest place EVER!!! I'm sitting in a little bay window type thing in a wooden chair with legs on the front and rocking slats on the back. Really comfortable. Wifi free everywhere in the building AND it's way more reliable than the BPL-Copley Wifi.
3. This little breakfast/lunch place across the street from the Library. Really good food and really cheap! Friendly people, great atmosphere. I'm a fan.
So, ultimately, this boils down to and "I wonder..." moment.
I wonder if I miss the suburban life - the slower pace, the friendlier atmosphere, the cute little places."
It's a good question, yeah? [Okay, okay, it technically wasn't even a question, but a statement offered up to promote discussion. I get it, I get it. We move on.]
And I think the answer to my 'non-question' is yes, in some ways I do miss the slower life on a non-city. I say "non-city" because I don't know if I want the true suburban life back - with it's housing developments and urban sprawl and soul-sucking blandness. But a cut little suburb like Watertown? Yeah, I dig it. It's close enough to Boston, but far enough away to get away from the city atmosphere and "hurry" mentality.
Does this mean I want to move to Watertown? I don't know. Not right now. I don't think I'm quite ready yet to give up my life o' glammer in the city quite yet. I like living in Boston a lot - I like that things are always just right there, that all forms of the T are readily accessible for me. That I can walk just about anywhere I want to go. I couldn't walk to Boston from Watertown without allowing myself a good portion of my day for walk-time. But, perhaps in a couple of years - if I'm still in the Boston area - I may one day be posting to this blog from a permanent Watertown location. Who knows?
Why? You may ask. You may even go on to say, "You live in Boston, for Pete's sake! Why oh why is Watertown suddenly so cool?"
And, it's a valid question. Watertown is a suburb, feels like a suburb, looks like a suburb, and through MBTA travel, you can only get to it by bus (if you're not from around here, this doesn't make as much sense to you, but anyone from Boston will tell you that that is a sure sign of a suburb).
Let me list a few things right off the bat:
1. Watertown is where I go every two weeks to get a massage from a good friend and fellow dancer. And let me tell you - she's amazing! She really knows her stuff and she's really good and giving advice and relating the massage therapy to my life (or her other clients' lives, as it were).
2. I just found the Watertown Library. Cutest place EVER!!! I'm sitting in a little bay window type thing in a wooden chair with legs on the front and rocking slats on the back. Really comfortable. Wifi free everywhere in the building AND it's way more reliable than the BPL-Copley Wifi.
3. This little breakfast/lunch place across the street from the Library. Really good food and really cheap! Friendly people, great atmosphere. I'm a fan.
So, ultimately, this boils down to and "I wonder..." moment.
I wonder if I miss the suburban life - the slower pace, the friendlier atmosphere, the cute little places."
It's a good question, yeah? [Okay, okay, it technically wasn't even a question, but a statement offered up to promote discussion. I get it, I get it. We move on.]
And I think the answer to my 'non-question' is yes, in some ways I do miss the slower life on a non-city. I say "non-city" because I don't know if I want the true suburban life back - with it's housing developments and urban sprawl and soul-sucking blandness. But a cut little suburb like Watertown? Yeah, I dig it. It's close enough to Boston, but far enough away to get away from the city atmosphere and "hurry" mentality.
Does this mean I want to move to Watertown? I don't know. Not right now. I don't think I'm quite ready yet to give up my life o' glammer in the city quite yet. I like living in Boston a lot - I like that things are always just right there, that all forms of the T are readily accessible for me. That I can walk just about anywhere I want to go. I couldn't walk to Boston from Watertown without allowing myself a good portion of my day for walk-time. But, perhaps in a couple of years - if I'm still in the Boston area - I may one day be posting to this blog from a permanent Watertown location. Who knows?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A blogger's epiphany - or, a rediscovery of the real reason I'm here.
Wow. It's really been awhile since I last wrote anything. I guess you could say I needed a break from the blog world.
But why? you ask...
And it's a valid question. A question with a very good answer, too.
[Well, maybe "good" isn't the right word. More like, a very definite answer.]
Well... you say, probingly.
Right. Okay. Here goes...
I stopped because I started to feel all of this pressure when posting to this blog. Pressure to live up to the image I want people to see when they read this - whether they know me or not. Pressure to make myself believe that I was feeling a certain way. Pressure to post something in line with the way I wanted to be feeling at the time, instead of what I was actually feeling. And so, this blog became something that only allowed me to be the "ideal me" that I expect myself to be. It's a lot to live up when you set yourself standards that you can't ever live up to because they don't fit you right. I found myself editing as I typed...going back and deleting lines because I worried what x person or y person would think. At first, it was little edits - like a misspelling. And I said to myself, "Oh, but I edit emails like that, too. That's okay." But really, it was a path I never wanted to start on. I promised myself, when I started this blog, that I would write what I felt - what came out on the screen - WITHOUT EDITING - just me, raw, with no worries about who's reading it or what they think.
And that's exactly what I didn't end up doing.
As I told more and more people about it, excited as I was that I had this wonderful vault of me in my own little online space, I started writing more and more to one person or another. Or editing based on what a certain person would think if they ever read it. It wasn't always the same person. It didn't always happen everytime I sat down to write. But I created this pressure from what I thought others would think if I wrote something that suddenly didn't allow me much room to write anything.
And suddenly, I'm left wondering why I even have this blog at all if all I ever do is write what I think other people want to read, or what other people think Is "me."
It's not that I don't want people to know I have this blog, but there was something safe about the anonymity when I first created it. Something that allowed me to feel I could write the truth about what I feel - the whole truth - without the fear of being judged. We all fear that judgment that others rain down upon us. Because it happens, everywhere. Everyone does it - everyone judges everyone else. I judge other people all the time. And sometimes I have to kick myself for the things I find myself thinking about another person - remind myself that I have no right to judge him/her.
But, that's not what this post is about. Another day perhaps. For now, back to the subject at hand.
I think what ultimately did me in and made me stop posting for 2.5 months is that I found myself emailing myself blog topics that were "safe" and "neutral" to post about - that wouldn't put me under judgment - that would show me only in a certain light - that wouldn't *really* push any major buttons. And they were so boring. So not what I wanted to write about on this blog. I would sit with my fingers on the keyboard just staring at the screen - no words flowing to my head. It was like I was back in 9th grade trying to write my report on some subject for Civics class but having no words to put to paper because the subject matter interested me not at all.
So, I stopped. I couldn't do it anymore. It had to end.
Instead, I took my summer and traveled. I went to Lindy Hop events all over New England, went down to DC, went up to Montreal quite a few times. I focused on fitting myself back into my life. And I've come out on the other side of summer realizing that I miss this blog - I miss what I originally intended it to be. To quote my own blog heading: either "a portal into the complicated workings of my mind" or "just a loosely connected string of ideas that pour out of my head and ooze into the keyboard of my laptop." Ultimately, I left that for any reader to decide. The important parts of that, however, are: 1) a portal into my mind - meaning this is really who I am, just me, that's what you get; and 2) ideas that pour out of my head and ooze into the keyboard of my laptop - meaning it's not edited, it's not fine-tuned, it's just raw one-sided conversation in a way. Me talking at the screen through my fingers on the keyboard. The fact that the words happen to be public for anyone to read is supposed to be utterly beside the point.
It's time to go back to that original way of thinking. To the original purpose for which this blog was created. It's time to take my blog back for myself. And to hell with what anyone reading this thinks about me.
And tonight - what's on my mind? I'm sick of being alone.
[I've said it before. I imagine it won't be the last time I say it.]
I look at my life, and I'm really happy with it. I am, truly. I have a great job that I love. I work with intelligent people who challenge me every day and appreciate my skills and talents and who accept me as a vital part of the team. I live in a great apartment, in a place where I feel more settled than I've felt since I left home for college 8 years ago. I love to dance, and I have the means with which to pursue that hobby to my heart's content. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I have great friends here in Boston and still back at home in the Midwest.
But I don't have that "special someone" [however hokey that sounds, it's hard to put it any other way]
It's not that I can't be happy without a guy in my life. It's not that I have nothing to live for because I have no boyfriend. Far from it. I'm often the person saying I don't need someone, that I can do things on my own and be happy with who I am. And I can. I'm very self-sufficient. I've worked hard at that for the past 5.5 years (since my last - and only - real relationship). I think the feeling of being dependent on another person really scared me. I won't live my life for another person, which is what I did in that first relationship, back in college. But not now. Now, I'll live my life for myself.
And that's all well and good. Except that I sometimes worry that I've gone too far, that I've become too attached to the single way of life, that I've closed myself off to allowing someone into my life enough to create a relationship. Have I? I don't think I'm closed off. If anything, I feel more open and honest with myself than I did 8 years ago when I met my first boyfriend. I'm pretty comfortable with who I am (let's be honest, no one can say they're 100% comfortable with who they are, and I'm no exception). And each day, I learn how to be even more comfortable with me.
Fabulous. Great. Superb. Splendid.
Why can't I meet a guy?
Why can't I meet someone with whom I can start a fulfilling relationship - or even just someone I can have fun with?
The loneliness factor doesn't consume me, really. It just hits me every so often when I'm confronted with too many couples - like walking through the Public Gardens on a nice day, or riding home on the T on a Saturday night after everyone's coming home from their Saturday night dates. Walking down the sidewalk in a college kid neighborhood or going shopping at the mall. It always hits me. And not so much because I despair of ever finding someone. No, really, it's mostly jealousy. I'm pretty jealous of all these people I don't know who've found someone to be with. Whether it's someone they're committed to or someone for "just right now" - I don't know. I don't know them. But the fact remains that they're with someone, and I'm seemingly perpetually alone. And sometimes it gets a little too far under my skin. What do I do with that? I haven't got anything to work with when that hits me. I haven't got anything to latch onto, any part of that to take control of. It's an emotion I'm afraid I'm not very good at. Jealousy. It's actually one of the emotions I shy away from looking at because I see it as really high on the negative emotion list and I try to keep myself positive.
But jealousy is a natural emotion. It can't be ignored. I need to let it out, right? Need to allow myself to feel it so I can try and understand it better - in hopes of finding a way to deal with it healthily when it hits me, or at least find a way to work with it when I feel it.
Jealousy. [It's a Natalie Merchant song, and it's an emotion I'm not all that comfortable with. Go figure.]
It makes me want something (or, in this case, someone that I don't have. It makes me forget about what I do have as I suddenly have an obsessive focus on what I don't have. And, as it affects me like this, I sort of close off to the world - decide I need to take an evening to veg out and wallow for a couple of hours until I can suppress it enough to get on with life. Is that unhealthy or what? So, maybe the way to work with it is to recognize and accept when it hits me, reassess, and focus my brain energy away from what I don't have and tick off some things that I DO have - thereby skirting around that whole "need a few hours to try and get the jealousy to go away" and instead move on with life. I can't control the fact that at that precise moment I don't have a boyfriend. But I can control where my thoughts are focused, and what they're focused on.
Maybe there's hope for me yet. I'm learning to work with my world and find the happiest way to exist within it, despite all of the negativity around me.
And I'm learning that the best way to find that happiness is to just be myself, lay it raw, open the gates and allow myself to be less than perfect - because I certainly can't expect myself to be perfect - that would require me to presume that I could be perfect.
Well, now that I've extracted a moral for myself out of my own rambling thoughts... [Ha!]
Doesn't really change that fact that I feel lonely tonight. That I'd like to have someone here. But, tonight's not my night, I guess. I'll have to wait for another night instead.
With that I'll leave you. Good night all.
[Okay, I totally lied. I'll really leave you with this: FOOT!]
But why? you ask...
And it's a valid question. A question with a very good answer, too.
[Well, maybe "good" isn't the right word. More like, a very definite answer.]
Well... you say, probingly.
Right. Okay. Here goes...
I stopped because I started to feel all of this pressure when posting to this blog. Pressure to live up to the image I want people to see when they read this - whether they know me or not. Pressure to make myself believe that I was feeling a certain way. Pressure to post something in line with the way I wanted to be feeling at the time, instead of what I was actually feeling. And so, this blog became something that only allowed me to be the "ideal me" that I expect myself to be. It's a lot to live up when you set yourself standards that you can't ever live up to because they don't fit you right. I found myself editing as I typed...going back and deleting lines because I worried what x person or y person would think. At first, it was little edits - like a misspelling. And I said to myself, "Oh, but I edit emails like that, too. That's okay." But really, it was a path I never wanted to start on. I promised myself, when I started this blog, that I would write what I felt - what came out on the screen - WITHOUT EDITING - just me, raw, with no worries about who's reading it or what they think.
And that's exactly what I didn't end up doing.
As I told more and more people about it, excited as I was that I had this wonderful vault of me in my own little online space, I started writing more and more to one person or another. Or editing based on what a certain person would think if they ever read it. It wasn't always the same person. It didn't always happen everytime I sat down to write. But I created this pressure from what I thought others would think if I wrote something that suddenly didn't allow me much room to write anything.
And suddenly, I'm left wondering why I even have this blog at all if all I ever do is write what I think other people want to read, or what other people think Is "me."
It's not that I don't want people to know I have this blog, but there was something safe about the anonymity when I first created it. Something that allowed me to feel I could write the truth about what I feel - the whole truth - without the fear of being judged. We all fear that judgment that others rain down upon us. Because it happens, everywhere. Everyone does it - everyone judges everyone else. I judge other people all the time. And sometimes I have to kick myself for the things I find myself thinking about another person - remind myself that I have no right to judge him/her.
But, that's not what this post is about. Another day perhaps. For now, back to the subject at hand.
I think what ultimately did me in and made me stop posting for 2.5 months is that I found myself emailing myself blog topics that were "safe" and "neutral" to post about - that wouldn't put me under judgment - that would show me only in a certain light - that wouldn't *really* push any major buttons. And they were so boring. So not what I wanted to write about on this blog. I would sit with my fingers on the keyboard just staring at the screen - no words flowing to my head. It was like I was back in 9th grade trying to write my report on some subject for Civics class but having no words to put to paper because the subject matter interested me not at all.
So, I stopped. I couldn't do it anymore. It had to end.
Instead, I took my summer and traveled. I went to Lindy Hop events all over New England, went down to DC, went up to Montreal quite a few times. I focused on fitting myself back into my life. And I've come out on the other side of summer realizing that I miss this blog - I miss what I originally intended it to be. To quote my own blog heading: either "a portal into the complicated workings of my mind" or "just a loosely connected string of ideas that pour out of my head and ooze into the keyboard of my laptop." Ultimately, I left that for any reader to decide. The important parts of that, however, are: 1) a portal into my mind - meaning this is really who I am, just me, that's what you get; and 2) ideas that pour out of my head and ooze into the keyboard of my laptop - meaning it's not edited, it's not fine-tuned, it's just raw one-sided conversation in a way. Me talking at the screen through my fingers on the keyboard. The fact that the words happen to be public for anyone to read is supposed to be utterly beside the point.
It's time to go back to that original way of thinking. To the original purpose for which this blog was created. It's time to take my blog back for myself. And to hell with what anyone reading this thinks about me.
And tonight - what's on my mind? I'm sick of being alone.
[I've said it before. I imagine it won't be the last time I say it.]
I look at my life, and I'm really happy with it. I am, truly. I have a great job that I love. I work with intelligent people who challenge me every day and appreciate my skills and talents and who accept me as a vital part of the team. I live in a great apartment, in a place where I feel more settled than I've felt since I left home for college 8 years ago. I love to dance, and I have the means with which to pursue that hobby to my heart's content. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I have great friends here in Boston and still back at home in the Midwest.
But I don't have that "special someone" [however hokey that sounds, it's hard to put it any other way]
It's not that I can't be happy without a guy in my life. It's not that I have nothing to live for because I have no boyfriend. Far from it. I'm often the person saying I don't need someone, that I can do things on my own and be happy with who I am. And I can. I'm very self-sufficient. I've worked hard at that for the past 5.5 years (since my last - and only - real relationship). I think the feeling of being dependent on another person really scared me. I won't live my life for another person, which is what I did in that first relationship, back in college. But not now. Now, I'll live my life for myself.
And that's all well and good. Except that I sometimes worry that I've gone too far, that I've become too attached to the single way of life, that I've closed myself off to allowing someone into my life enough to create a relationship. Have I? I don't think I'm closed off. If anything, I feel more open and honest with myself than I did 8 years ago when I met my first boyfriend. I'm pretty comfortable with who I am (let's be honest, no one can say they're 100% comfortable with who they are, and I'm no exception). And each day, I learn how to be even more comfortable with me.
Fabulous. Great. Superb. Splendid.
Why can't I meet a guy?
Why can't I meet someone with whom I can start a fulfilling relationship - or even just someone I can have fun with?
The loneliness factor doesn't consume me, really. It just hits me every so often when I'm confronted with too many couples - like walking through the Public Gardens on a nice day, or riding home on the T on a Saturday night after everyone's coming home from their Saturday night dates. Walking down the sidewalk in a college kid neighborhood or going shopping at the mall. It always hits me. And not so much because I despair of ever finding someone. No, really, it's mostly jealousy. I'm pretty jealous of all these people I don't know who've found someone to be with. Whether it's someone they're committed to or someone for "just right now" - I don't know. I don't know them. But the fact remains that they're with someone, and I'm seemingly perpetually alone. And sometimes it gets a little too far under my skin. What do I do with that? I haven't got anything to work with when that hits me. I haven't got anything to latch onto, any part of that to take control of. It's an emotion I'm afraid I'm not very good at. Jealousy. It's actually one of the emotions I shy away from looking at because I see it as really high on the negative emotion list and I try to keep myself positive.
But jealousy is a natural emotion. It can't be ignored. I need to let it out, right? Need to allow myself to feel it so I can try and understand it better - in hopes of finding a way to deal with it healthily when it hits me, or at least find a way to work with it when I feel it.
Jealousy. [It's a Natalie Merchant song, and it's an emotion I'm not all that comfortable with. Go figure.]
It makes me want something (or, in this case, someone that I don't have. It makes me forget about what I do have as I suddenly have an obsessive focus on what I don't have. And, as it affects me like this, I sort of close off to the world - decide I need to take an evening to veg out and wallow for a couple of hours until I can suppress it enough to get on with life. Is that unhealthy or what? So, maybe the way to work with it is to recognize and accept when it hits me, reassess, and focus my brain energy away from what I don't have and tick off some things that I DO have - thereby skirting around that whole "need a few hours to try and get the jealousy to go away" and instead move on with life. I can't control the fact that at that precise moment I don't have a boyfriend. But I can control where my thoughts are focused, and what they're focused on.
Maybe there's hope for me yet. I'm learning to work with my world and find the happiest way to exist within it, despite all of the negativity around me.
And I'm learning that the best way to find that happiness is to just be myself, lay it raw, open the gates and allow myself to be less than perfect - because I certainly can't expect myself to be perfect - that would require me to presume that I could be perfect.
Well, now that I've extracted a moral for myself out of my own rambling thoughts... [Ha!]
Doesn't really change that fact that I feel lonely tonight. That I'd like to have someone here. But, tonight's not my night, I guess. I'll have to wait for another night instead.
With that I'll leave you. Good night all.
[Okay, I totally lied. I'll really leave you with this: FOOT!]
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Stop worrying!
You know what my problem is? I worry too much.
How many times have you heard someone say that? Not many...
Think I'm wrong? Read it again...
People don't say, "You know what my problem is? I worry too much."
Yeah, now you're with me. They usually say, "You know what your problem is? You worry too much."
Where am I going with this? Back to the original statement:
You know what my problem is? I worry too much.
I do worry too much. And it's not usually about anything worth worrying about. It's odd. Oftentimes, when I find myself in a situation that would be worth worrying about, I feel calm and act on the mindset that things will turn out the way they turn out and there's no sense in worrying about it.
That said, I worry about the silliest things. Whether I'm thinking too much about something I can't control. Whether I should be stepping a certain way when I'm dancing. What will happen if I don't get my laundry done on the night I originally planned to do it on. When's the bus coming?--When's the bus coming?--When's the bus coming?
I say "the silliest things" because they are, when you really think about it.
Am I thinking too much about this?
Yes. You are. Stop thinking about how much you're thinking about it. Move on. If you're gonna think about it, you're gonna think about it. If you're not, you're not. No point in worrying about the time spent thinking (or not) about it.
Should I be stepping that way when I do a swing-out?
On the surface of things, that's a valid question. But context is key here. I generally ask myself that question while social dancing - exactly when I shouldn't be thinking about it. Save it for the practice session later in the week! For now, just enjoy a night of dancing!
What will happen if I don't get my laundry done tonight?
Um, it'll get done another night. So what if you planned to do it tonight? Things change, evenings fill up, rework the schedule. It's not the end of the world.
When's the bus coming?
When it comes. MBTA buses - not the most reliable timetable. If you're worried about being late (a somewhat more valid thing to worry about, to be sure), there's a very simple solution: LEAVE EARLIER.
It's so funny, because the problem is not that I don't know the obvious answers to my 'worrywart' questions. The problem is that I can't stop them from bubbling up. The nervous stomachache comes and I can't think straight and I'm off in worry-land again without really knowing how I got there. It always takes me a minute to get my bearings and understand what it is I'm worrying over.
It's something I'd really like to cut out of my life. Maybe it's impossible to cut out completely. We do have the word worry in our language for a reason. It's an emotional response just like anger and happiness and surprise. But the silly worrying over things I can't control needs to stop. I just don't know how to stop the cycle of worrying before I realize I'm worrying.
The worst of it is, sometimes when I get my bearings in worry-land, I figure out that I'm worrying about worrying too much, and find that I'm actually not really all that worried about anything in particular besides whether I'm worrying too much.
It's like an addiction, in a way. It's so ingrained in my system, that I find I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't worrying about something. And I don't like that at all. I'd so much prefer to be focused on something more worthwhile.
So, I'm outside the norm when I say:
You know what my problem is? I worry too much.
But, hey, it's true. Now I just need to figure out how to falsify that statement in my life and get on with other things.
How many times have you heard someone say that? Not many...
Think I'm wrong? Read it again...
People don't say, "You know what my problem is? I worry too much."
Yeah, now you're with me. They usually say, "You know what your problem is? You worry too much."
Where am I going with this? Back to the original statement:
You know what my problem is? I worry too much.
I do worry too much. And it's not usually about anything worth worrying about. It's odd. Oftentimes, when I find myself in a situation that would be worth worrying about, I feel calm and act on the mindset that things will turn out the way they turn out and there's no sense in worrying about it.
That said, I worry about the silliest things. Whether I'm thinking too much about something I can't control. Whether I should be stepping a certain way when I'm dancing. What will happen if I don't get my laundry done on the night I originally planned to do it on. When's the bus coming?--When's the bus coming?--When's the bus coming?
I say "the silliest things" because they are, when you really think about it.
Am I thinking too much about this?
Yes. You are. Stop thinking about how much you're thinking about it. Move on. If you're gonna think about it, you're gonna think about it. If you're not, you're not. No point in worrying about the time spent thinking (or not) about it.
Should I be stepping that way when I do a swing-out?
On the surface of things, that's a valid question. But context is key here. I generally ask myself that question while social dancing - exactly when I shouldn't be thinking about it. Save it for the practice session later in the week! For now, just enjoy a night of dancing!
What will happen if I don't get my laundry done tonight?
Um, it'll get done another night. So what if you planned to do it tonight? Things change, evenings fill up, rework the schedule. It's not the end of the world.
When's the bus coming?
When it comes. MBTA buses - not the most reliable timetable. If you're worried about being late (a somewhat more valid thing to worry about, to be sure), there's a very simple solution: LEAVE EARLIER.
It's so funny, because the problem is not that I don't know the obvious answers to my 'worrywart' questions. The problem is that I can't stop them from bubbling up. The nervous stomachache comes and I can't think straight and I'm off in worry-land again without really knowing how I got there. It always takes me a minute to get my bearings and understand what it is I'm worrying over.
It's something I'd really like to cut out of my life. Maybe it's impossible to cut out completely. We do have the word worry in our language for a reason. It's an emotional response just like anger and happiness and surprise. But the silly worrying over things I can't control needs to stop. I just don't know how to stop the cycle of worrying before I realize I'm worrying.
The worst of it is, sometimes when I get my bearings in worry-land, I figure out that I'm worrying about worrying too much, and find that I'm actually not really all that worried about anything in particular besides whether I'm worrying too much.
It's like an addiction, in a way. It's so ingrained in my system, that I find I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't worrying about something. And I don't like that at all. I'd so much prefer to be focused on something more worthwhile.
So, I'm outside the norm when I say:
You know what my problem is? I worry too much.
But, hey, it's true. Now I just need to figure out how to falsify that statement in my life and get on with other things.
